5 posts tagged “deal breakers”

Today at work one of the marketing execs stopped by and I noticed she was "showing". I didn't think she was seeing someone, so I interrogated my co-worker and found out...

She's having a baby on her own.

The whole situation made me think of this article in which the author Lori Gottlieb extols the glories of settling. Her was this woman in a high-power position, attractive, probably in her mid-thirties, deciding to have a baby on her own.

And still single.

How come she didn't settle, like in Gottlieb's article? What exactly was she looking for and convinced that she hadn't found yet? At this point in my life, with 30 on the horizon, I wonder if one day I'll get to the point where I'll "settle". The Canadian used to say "everyone settles" because there's always something better out there.

I think we had different ideas of settling.

Reading through this article, I wonder if it really is too much to ask that I be in a relationship, regardless of where it leads, with a guy who adores me. In the last 2 years, I've met two guys who, even for a short time, were really into me. And I was into them. I know "chemistry" is difficult to muster, but I just wonder what exactly does it mean to settle.

From my dating adventures, here's all I know - I want someone honest, someone brave, someone interesting. When people ask what my type is, I don't know how to answer. I feel like if I did I'm pigeon-holing myself from a potential fantastic. I know I used to have a list, but I don't know what's on it anymore. Not really.

Maybe I'm already starting to settle, in my own way.

The two guys that changed the way I think about what my ideal were DK and The Canadian. And even though both ended because the relationship just couldn't continue, when I was with them all I knew was that I cared for them just the way they are and I could overlook anything that would have been a deal breaker - yes, even the STD.

Then I read this:

Settling is mostly a women’s game. Men settle far less often and, when they do, they don’t seem the least bit bothered by the fact that they’re settling.

My friend Alan, for instance, justified his choice of a “bland” wife who’s a good mom but with whom he shares little connection this way: “I think one-stop shopping is overrated. I get passion at my office with my work, or with my friends that I sometimes call or chat with—it’s not the same, and, boy, it would be exciting to have it with my spouse. But I spend more time with people at my office than I do with my spouse.”

Then there’s my friend Chris, a single 35-year-old marketing consultant who for three years dated someone he calls “the perfect woman”—a kind and beautiful surgeon. She broke off the relationship several times because, she told him with regret, she didn’t think she wanted to spend her life with him. Each time, Chris would persuade her to reconsider, until finally she called it off for good, saying that she just couldn’t marry somebody she wasn’t in love with. Chris was devastated, but now that his ex-girlfriend has reached 35, he’s suddenly hopeful about their future.

“By the time she turns 37,” Chris said confidently, “she’ll come back. And I’ll bet she’ll marry me then. I know she wants to have kids.” I asked Chris why he would want to be with a woman who wasn’t in love with him. Wouldn’t he be settling, too, by marrying someone who would be using him to have a family? Chris didn’t see it that way at all. “She’ll be settling,” Chris said cheerfully. “But not me. I get to marry the woman of my dreams. That’s not settling. That’s the fantasy.”

Chris believes that women are far too picky: everyone knows, he says, that a single middle-aged man still has appealing prospects; a single middle-aged woman likely doesn’t. And he’s right. Single women are painfully aware of this. I hear far more women than men talk about getting married as a goal to be met by a certain deadline. My friend Gabe points out that this allows men to be the true romantics; when a man breaks up with a perfectly acceptable woman because he’s “just not feeling it,” there’s none of the ambivalence a woman with a deadline feels. “Women are the least romantic,” Gabe said. “They think, ‘I can do that.’ For a lot of women, it becomes less about love and more about what they can live with.”

The paradox, of course, is that the more it behooves a woman to settle, the less willing she is to settle; a woman in her mid- to late 30s is more discriminating than one in her 20s. She has friends who have known her since childhood, friends who will know her more intimately and understand her more viscerally than any man she meets in midlife. Her tastes and sense of self are more solidly formed. She says things like “He wants me to move downtown, but I love my home at the beach,” and, “But he’s just not curious,” and “Can I really spend my life with someone who’s allergic to dogs?”

I’ve been told that the reason so many women end up alone is that we have too many choices. I think it’s the opposite: we have no choice. If we could choose, we’d choose to be in a healthy marriage based on reciprocal passion and friendship. But the only choices on the table, it sometimes seems, are settle or risk being alone forever. That’s not a whole lot of choice.

And no matter what women decide—settle or don’t settle—there’s a price to be paid, because there’s always going to be regret. Unless you meet the man of your dreams (who, by the way, doesn’t exist, precisely because you dreamed him up), there’s going to be a downside to getting married, but a possibly more profound downside to holding out for someone better.

Ugh! I can't read this shit anymore...

Why You Can’t Find a GOOD Man | …Says The Single Girl

http://saysthesin...

I was reading a blog that I tend to read very often by Shaun King called Shaun in the City, and he brought up a hot button topic for men and women (particularly here in Atlanta.) He was concerned about why “good” women here are not able to find a man even though they are highly educated with Mast...

I read this post on ...Says the Single Girl and wanted to repost. I read the blogger's (a guy) reasons for why good women couldn't find good men.

I know I've been silent lately, but I hope I'm not turning bitter and jaded. In LA it's easy to become that way, then turn inward and just be selfish. I've stopped chasing the "wrong guy" I think. Based on the men I have been attracted to recently, I've learned to drop my "list" of deal breakers because it really doesn't matter in the end.

I think the tough part of this guy's list of "what [we're] doing wrong" is stop looking. I haven't been actively seeking, but I haven't been very available either. I do go out, but where am I going? Gay bars. Goth clubs. These places are fun. I can really let loose at gay bars, but none of the guys are available. Goth clubs are interesting, but it's not really me.

Sometimes I only feel like myself when I'm pole dancing or singing. Will I meet my next boyfriend pole dancing?

I don't know, neighborhood. It seems like every time a relationship ends it takes me forever to build myself back up. To feel happy with myself no matter what the situation. What is it going to take for me to be myself and just enjoy my life no matter where it leads?

Happiness is a choice. Maybe I'm just not choosing to be happy right now.

What I've realized about my internet dating habits is that when I go on the internet search I tend to weed guys out based on my "list". He's too old, he's too short, he's too skinny, he's fat, he's this or that.

I never give the guy a chance.

However, if I was just to meet the guy out and about, I'm more likely to give him a few minutes to win me over by trying to have a conversation. This is why I can't really do online dating anymore. I don't want to close myself off based on my instinct to reject a guy based on my "list".

Example, if I had known The Canadian's age (40) before we had started talking on the cruise, I wouldn't have given him the time of day. I would have missed out meeting a great guy (granted he still turned into a jerk). Sometimes I read posts on CL, both M seeking W and W seeking M, and it just gives this long list of qualifications. Yes, that list is important to a certain extent, but if you really click with someone that superficial stuff doesn't really matter anymore.

The trick is to find that person you click with.

So, I've been thinking of doing a future experiment in which I post a CL ad saying that if you respond I will go out on a date with you - no questions asked, no photo required. I'll post my stats because the guy should at least be attracted to me; no need to waste the time of someone who's not into Asians.

I'm still thinking about it though.

I read a post from Jenny about this new, free dating site Just Say Hi. Of course I can't resist. I am "seeing other people" and writing this amazing blog about dating.

I just received my first contact via this site and...well...it's a keeper for the trash bin. The guy is 24, below my age limit. But the clincher was his profile photo of him holding his cellphone to his face and sticking his tongue out provocatively.

Other red flags? No job. MySpace-style "testimonials" from "friends" aka anonymous women who engage in amateur porn photography.

Class all the way.

What are your deal breakers in a relationship?

Since this is Dating LA, I'm going to write about "that" kind of relationship and not general relationships. I have friendship deal breakers, you know.

My "first impression" deal breakers are:

1. Too short
2. Too old (more than 5 years) or too young (more than 2 years) younger than me period.
3. Too muscular or too skinny
4. Creepy, Asia-phile pervert

Here are my deal breakers with persistant exposure:

1. Stupidity - I'm not stupid, so please be smart.
2. Unambitious - Have a goal. It's okay if you take a tumble, but have a plan to get back on your feet.
3. Anti risk-taker - I'm adventurous. I don't need to be shackled to someone who won't try anything new.
4. Arrogant, egomaniac
5. Excessive sarcism - See date N310307
6. Excessive anger, bitching, criticism - I don't sweat the small stuff. Sometimes my ex CG would get pissed off at the tiniest things, then he'd get pissed at me for not getting pissed too. Or when all a guy can do is just bitch, bitch, bitch. Ugh. Can a guy like that ever be happy?
7. Party pooper - whatever the reason: selfconscious, depressed, shy. Cut it out. You're ruining my parade.