45 posts tagged “the canadian”

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Tonight I put up a photo of Us in my apartment. I took the one of me and The Canadian out of the frame. On any other occasion I would have hid that photo away, but this time I tore it up.

That relationship was broken and now, so is the memory.

It's a new Us from now on.

Last night I had a nightmare about The Canadian. He showed up and started pestering me, begging me to come back and that he loved me all along. I just kept pushing him away and saying, "Get away from me! It's too late."

I know exactly why I dreamt of him too. Because of this. And maybe because around this time last year The Canadian and I were planning our New Year's escape.

I was talking to my stylist about why He stands out from all the other guys I've dated/had a fling with. The most important - He wants to be with me. That's it. In the past I've always been attracted to the guys who, yes, like me but for one reason or another can't be with me. Let's list it out, shall we?

It's the holidays and this year I actually have holiday conflicts. Usually the default is to go home and spend it with my family. Now He's a major player. It's too soon to introduce Him to the folks. I've never introduced any of my boyfriends to my family before, so for me to do that...well, it really means something.

Thanksgiving I'm spending with Him. It just turned out that way. I was planning on going home for Thursday and Friday, but I booked another laser facial Friday. The plan is to spend Wed-Thurs-part of Friday with Him, and head home to recover at home with my parents after the procedure.

We've started talking about our Winter Holiday plans. Not sure what we're doing, but we've thrown around options. Go north again and venture into Napa. Go south and explore my hometown and eat carne asada fries. Or...

Go to Vegas...

Return to the scene of the cryme? I shudder internally at the thought, but wouldn't that be sweet justice and redemption for last year? Of course He doesn't know about the Canadian. He doesn't know the details about any of the dates I've been on. I'd rather keep it that way.

I'd rather forget it ever happened.

So, maybe I do need to do Vegas. For closure. To wipe that city clean (so to speak) for me. What do you think?

Otherwise my vote is for San Diego so I can eat carne asada fries everyday.

I got a message from The Canadian congratulating me on my promotion. That's sweet.

And I dedicate this Lady GaGa song to you asshole. This song summarizes our relationship.

It's not that hard if you just turn the key...

No updates. It's been a slow dating year, but I don't mind. I'm enjoying my freedom and just meeting new people in general. On Wednesday I was partying in West Hollywood (quickly becoming my second home). I'm dance, dance, dancing up a storm at HERE when I see in the crowd...The Canadian.

Or his gay doppelganger.

It looked just like him. Dark hair, Eastern European looks, glasses, button-down shirt. Not as tall as the real thing, but I was still startled nonetheless and then I found myself...wanting to grab his attention (with my provocative dance) if only just to reject him cruelly.

This lady wants revenge.

Last weekend I met a new guy and I like him. We flirted a bit, impressed him on my knowledge of The Princess Bride, and now we're "friends" on FB. I really don't know if it will go anywhere, but I'm open to it.

Today at work one of the marketing execs stopped by and I noticed she was "showing". I didn't think she was seeing someone, so I interrogated my co-worker and found out...

She's having a baby on her own.

The whole situation made me think of this article in which the author Lori Gottlieb extols the glories of settling. Her was this woman in a high-power position, attractive, probably in her mid-thirties, deciding to have a baby on her own.

And still single.

How come she didn't settle, like in Gottlieb's article? What exactly was she looking for and convinced that she hadn't found yet? At this point in my life, with 30 on the horizon, I wonder if one day I'll get to the point where I'll "settle". The Canadian used to say "everyone settles" because there's always something better out there.

I think we had different ideas of settling.

Reading through this article, I wonder if it really is too much to ask that I be in a relationship, regardless of where it leads, with a guy who adores me. In the last 2 years, I've met two guys who, even for a short time, were really into me. And I was into them. I know "chemistry" is difficult to muster, but I just wonder what exactly does it mean to settle.

From my dating adventures, here's all I know - I want someone honest, someone brave, someone interesting. When people ask what my type is, I don't know how to answer. I feel like if I did I'm pigeon-holing myself from a potential fantastic. I know I used to have a list, but I don't know what's on it anymore. Not really.

Maybe I'm already starting to settle, in my own way.

The two guys that changed the way I think about what my ideal were DK and The Canadian. And even though both ended because the relationship just couldn't continue, when I was with them all I knew was that I cared for them just the way they are and I could overlook anything that would have been a deal breaker - yes, even the STD.

Then I read this:

Settling is mostly a women’s game. Men settle far less often and, when they do, they don’t seem the least bit bothered by the fact that they’re settling.

My friend Alan, for instance, justified his choice of a “bland” wife who’s a good mom but with whom he shares little connection this way: “I think one-stop shopping is overrated. I get passion at my office with my work, or with my friends that I sometimes call or chat with—it’s not the same, and, boy, it would be exciting to have it with my spouse. But I spend more time with people at my office than I do with my spouse.”

Then there’s my friend Chris, a single 35-year-old marketing consultant who for three years dated someone he calls “the perfect woman”—a kind and beautiful surgeon. She broke off the relationship several times because, she told him with regret, she didn’t think she wanted to spend her life with him. Each time, Chris would persuade her to reconsider, until finally she called it off for good, saying that she just couldn’t marry somebody she wasn’t in love with. Chris was devastated, but now that his ex-girlfriend has reached 35, he’s suddenly hopeful about their future.

“By the time she turns 37,” Chris said confidently, “she’ll come back. And I’ll bet she’ll marry me then. I know she wants to have kids.” I asked Chris why he would want to be with a woman who wasn’t in love with him. Wouldn’t he be settling, too, by marrying someone who would be using him to have a family? Chris didn’t see it that way at all. “She’ll be settling,” Chris said cheerfully. “But not me. I get to marry the woman of my dreams. That’s not settling. That’s the fantasy.”

Chris believes that women are far too picky: everyone knows, he says, that a single middle-aged man still has appealing prospects; a single middle-aged woman likely doesn’t. And he’s right. Single women are painfully aware of this. I hear far more women than men talk about getting married as a goal to be met by a certain deadline. My friend Gabe points out that this allows men to be the true romantics; when a man breaks up with a perfectly acceptable woman because he’s “just not feeling it,” there’s none of the ambivalence a woman with a deadline feels. “Women are the least romantic,” Gabe said. “They think, ‘I can do that.’ For a lot of women, it becomes less about love and more about what they can live with.”

The paradox, of course, is that the more it behooves a woman to settle, the less willing she is to settle; a woman in her mid- to late 30s is more discriminating than one in her 20s. She has friends who have known her since childhood, friends who will know her more intimately and understand her more viscerally than any man she meets in midlife. Her tastes and sense of self are more solidly formed. She says things like “He wants me to move downtown, but I love my home at the beach,” and, “But he’s just not curious,” and “Can I really spend my life with someone who’s allergic to dogs?”

I’ve been told that the reason so many women end up alone is that we have too many choices. I think it’s the opposite: we have no choice. If we could choose, we’d choose to be in a healthy marriage based on reciprocal passion and friendship. But the only choices on the table, it sometimes seems, are settle or risk being alone forever. That’s not a whole lot of choice.

And no matter what women decide—settle or don’t settle—there’s a price to be paid, because there’s always going to be regret. Unless you meet the man of your dreams (who, by the way, doesn’t exist, precisely because you dreamed him up), there’s going to be a downside to getting married, but a possibly more profound downside to holding out for someone better.

Ugh! I can't read this shit anymore...

Today was a good day. I went to a bbq and met new boys even though none were available or had interest in me. Then in the evening I had an impromptu "Lonely Ladies" (aka LoLa) night with a friend and the Sex And The City Movie.

Do you know any other way to celebrate independence?

I've been a bit blue this week. This was supposed to be the week the Canadian was going to visit me. I've been doing well so far. I had a long stretch of time where I didn't think about him at all. It's just this week that I'm remembering. And I admit that I miss him, but I'm not sure what I miss - him, the company, or the idea that someone out there adored me.

Will I ever find another guy whose eyes light up when I enter the room?

I suppose these thoughts come to mind as I see my friends struggle in their relationships. I just hope their struggle toward a common goal - a successful relationship. Sometimes I want to ask them "what does this successful relationship look like?" because everyone seems to want that so much. For my friend it would mean marriage and children. For the Canadian, for whom my question originated, I think he'd say one that would last forever, especially after his two marriages ended.

It just dawned on me that as we get older and recover from the relationship war wounds, we either take bigger risks or become afraid. Risk-taker because you've lived through it all and now you can survive any ordeal. Or afraid because you just don't want to make another mistake and end up hurt.

I'm going to be a risk-taker.

I slept most of today because I'm getting sick. When i'm awake I just cough and now I have a funny nose. What the hell is happening to my body? When did I develop such a weak immune system?

During one of my sleeping sessions I had a dream about The Canadian. I was in line for another cruise when I saw him out of the corner of my eye. I decided to ignore him and pray that he wouldn't spot me, but he did and started to move in my direction. Immediately, I turned and walked quickly the other way. He didn't pursue, but our mutual friend Cruise G did.

Cruise G: Why are you ignoring the Canadian? He looked really hurt.
Me thinking: He's hurt? He's hurt?!
Me: I don't see why I have to talk to him. We're strangers now. He got what he wanted - to fuck me. It's better if we're not in each others' lives.

Cruise G didn't understand, but I didn't feel like talking anymore. In my dream I left the port; took off and left all my luggage behind.

If he knows what's best for him, he'd forget all about me and find that person who will fit his agenda perfectly - on the same timeline, in the same location, wanting the same thing - a successful relationship.

And I know what's best for me is to remove people from my life who treat me with such little regard.

I was checking my email, the one I don't use so check only once a week. I saw some interesting SPAM.

You've been invited to join Blank Blank's MSN live network.

Who's Blank Blank..? oooOOOoooh.

The Canadian.

I forgot his name.